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A Message to Rape Survivors

(Trigger Warnings: Rape, Abuse)

You are not your rape.

I do not believe in karma, destiny, or a divine entity that decides what will and will not happen; I believe in free will. I believe that your rape was the result of some horrible person taking what they wanted; displaying power over the helpless; being the one in six. What happened was not your fault, and you did not deserve it. Nobody ever deserves it.

You are not your rape.

It is not your past, it is not your present, and it is not your future. It does not define you. It is not who you are, it is not who you were and it not who you will be. You can choose to define yourself as a survivor, but that is a choice. You do not have to add that label to yourself if you do not want to. You do not have to tell the people around you about the rape. It is preferable, and considered healthy, but it is not required.

You are not your rape.

Suffering this event does not mean that every relationship you have is doomed to failure. Suffering this event does not mean that you will always be in pain. Wounds close. Wounds heal. Wounds scar over, eventually, and scars, eventually, are forgotten, and no longer hurt.

You are not your rape.

This event will not define your actions. This event will not define your relationships. This event will not define your life. It is a dot on the line; something that has happened, but it does not need to continue happening. Like any traumatic event, it can be let go. It's not easy - it never is. But it can be done. You may need a therapist. You may need the help of friends. You may need the help of family. But it can be done.

You are not your rape. You are not your abuse. You are not your damage.

You are a human being, and believe me when I say that I have been there. I'm still there. I'm still struggling. But it can be done.

You are not your rape.

-Freya out.


( 9 comments — Leave a comment )
Dec. 28th, 2011 09:49 pm (UTC)
But Freya, how do I let go of the worry that I'm only here, I'm only the Critic torture queen memetic molester because I was so abused so badly? How do I let go of the "what if" scenario that I would be vanilla and normal if that wasn't my introduction to love and sex?
Dec. 28th, 2011 09:56 pm (UTC)
Unfortunately, I don't have an answer for that, which is why I tried to avoid actively addressing sex in the piece, since it's a question I'm trying to answer myself. I'm trying to figure out if my own kinks are a result of who I am or of my own introductions to sex and love. This was partly inspired by a conversation, and partly writing out in text things I know but haven't been able to properly tell myself.
Dec. 28th, 2011 11:02 pm (UTC)
Having given your question a bit more thought, I think I may have an answer for you. Now, this answer will edge into severe TMI, with my talking about my past sexual experiences with previous boyfriends, but that's kind of necessary evil unfortunately.

Writing-wise, as writers, it's easiest for us to write what we know - this is partially why I've been writing about rape so much recently. Due to recent events, I've had it on my thoughts a lot. Now, I've had both vanilla sex and kinky sex, so I'm able to write about both, but I'm willing to bet you've had mostly kinky sex, so between that and your abuse, it's easier for you to write about and imagine and understand kinky sex. So it's not because there's something wrong with you, or because you are your rape, it's just because you haven't had vanilla sex.

Now, with regards to kinkiness, I've long held the view that a lot of kinks boil down more to personality than anything else, and a lot to how our lives have been in the long run rather than specific events. I recall you mentioning at some stage that you were a dom in bed? I know that you've had a long term illness and that your life has been out of your control for a long time, so maybe it's more to do with wanting to regain control of your life in some aspect than to do with your introduction to love. I know that that's why I like to dom.
Dec. 28th, 2011 11:07 pm (UTC)
Thank you for the advice, dear. Nothing against therapy or friends, but I believe it more coming from people with the same experiences y'know? And I have tried vanilla sex with the boyfriend I had when I was sixteen, it was just so deathly boring that I couldn't, um, finish for a long long time that I figured there was something wrong with me.
Dec. 28th, 2011 11:16 pm (UTC)
As somebody else who also has difficult orgasming during vanilla sex, you have my deep sympathy. Beyond that, there is the fact that a very high percentage of women actually cannot orgasm off of penetrative sex. There just aren't enough nerves inside the vaginal walls. And then, another surprisingly high number of women do orgasm off of anal sex despite not having a prostate. It's odd.
Dec. 28th, 2011 11:18 pm (UTC)
One of the few reasons why oral is so nice. :D
Dec. 28th, 2011 11:22 pm (UTC)
I actually prefer manual, but that's usually because the guys I've ended letting down there have stubble and stubble + clitoris = AUGH GET AWAY GET AWAY.

(Actually got into a conversation with one guy - apparently his girlfriend told him 'YOU ARE GOING NOWHERE NEAR ME UNTIL YOU HAVE GODDAMN SHAVED.')

When clean-shaven guys have gone down on me, yes, it has been lovely. <3
Dec. 29th, 2011 02:30 am (UTC)
"You do not have to tell the people around you about the rape. It is preferable, and considered healthy, but it is not required."

Thank you for this, Freya.
Dec. 29th, 2011 02:33 am (UTC)
I think there's a lot of pressure to tell people about it, and I think that's...kind of unfair. I've got a very close-knit, healthy family, so I was okay telling my mother about it, and telling my best friend Eva was easy, but putting pressure on people to tell is equally unpleasant as putting pressure on people to stay silent. It's their choice, it's their damage, it's their life. While we shouldn't be afraid to talk about rape in general terms, this doesn't mean we should putting pressure on people to bare their souls and tell their stories. It borders on the voyeuristic.
( 9 comments — Leave a comment )